ryno put a ring on it

Courtney here.

So yeah, I am fully aware of the fact that it has literally been one year since either of us have blogged.

So let's see...............what have you lucky readers missed out on?

First and foremost, Ryno actually found someone that loves him for who he truly is, not just for his manly good looks and swooning charm!  

As you can see, being related on both sides of our family has allowed for us to be quite close.  And seeing that I am an only child, Ryno is the closest thing to a brother I will ever have.  Which works out great, seeing that we have the same sense of twisted and perverse humor. 

When other Nichols family members hang their heads in shame at our shenanigans, we quickly and proudly inform them that we will never be ashamed of our last name, we will embrace it!

 

A few years ago, in the midst of my 'Single and Ready to Mingle' phase, I found myself at a bar with a few of my friends one late night.  I feel the eyes of the cute boy next to me, and hear him say, "You look like you got something on your mind..."  Well, anyone that knows a Nichols well enough knows that phrase is quite possibly one of the worst things you can say to us after a few too many drinks.  Here is what came out of my mouth before my friends could slow me down:

"Let me tell you about this one time when I was 10 years old.  I was spending a couple weeks in the summer with my cousins, and woke up in the middle of the night to sneak into their kitchen to dig around for junk food. (My mother deprived me of any junk food, so I went nuts at their house.)  As I tip-toed around the corner to the fridge in the kitchen, I see an eerie blue light coming from the play room.  Being the curious cat I am, looked in and found my 8 year old cousin Ryan sitting in a little yellow plastic chair from the mini kitchenette set they had, face 5 inches from the television.  Well of course I go skipping in the play room, cheetos bag in hand to see what the deuce he is up to.  Here is my account of what happened:

C: "Hey Ryno, whatcha watchin?"

R: "It's the squiggly channel - channel 22!"

C: "Ew.  What is wrong with your weiner????"

R: "I don't know, but it's so coooooool!!!!!!"

You see, Ryno was watching what I know now is 'squiggle porn' and had what I now know as a boner."

For some odd reason, this guy maintained interest in me.  Not sure why.  Must be the Nichols charm and swagger.  Some say it is irresistible.

But I digress.

Ryno played his hand in the internet dating scene and was pretty successful, I must say.  Unlike me.    He met an only child, Bailey, that appears to be the ying to his yang.  The hip to his hop.  What I am trying to say, readers, is that he has met his match!

Their wedding date is set for October, and I will be proudly standing next to him as our family's first 'Groomslady'!  This apparently has a few people questioning my sexual preference, which is hysterical in itself.

For the record, I am not gay.  I still like men.  A lot.

So as our lives over the last year have become much more tame, it has been for the better. Sobriety looks good on us.  Maybe we will win the family renunion award for being sober the longest?  Oh, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Ryno's bachelor party is fast approaching, and I can give you a Nichols guarantee that this will be one for the history books!  Epic to say the least.

Here is a photo of Ryno and his betrothed.  I am not going to lie, I will bet money that smile on his face is not one of adoration, but most likely a secret giggle that he just ripped a loud fart. 

 

Until next time!

-Cnic

Contrary to popular belief Rhino's lap is not a playground.....most of the time.

Ok apologies for taking so long to write......again.  The busy life of a Nichols is a handful sometimes and it rarely gives me the luxury of being able to have free time.  So with that said I must tell a tale of one of the most awkward moments in my life.  One of the most, definitely not the top unfortunately.  


So I'm dating this girl for about a month when she decides to let me meet her kid.  Now I'm pretty good with kids so I'm not to worried about the meeting.  I mean I have two pretty wild nephews that have done pretty much everything a kid could do that would catch me off guard.  Now I love them very much but there are lines that shall and will never be crossed by them.  One of them being wiping their butts and the other is sitting in my lap whilst naked.  Now guess which one happened to me over at her house the FIRST time I met her boy.


The whole evening was normal that entire night....we ate, we played with trains, I watched and complimented on him on his amazing abilities to color in the lines, then showed his little punk ass up by using the right colors on everything.  He is 4 by the way.  So after all the normal activities are over she takes him to the bath and he takes one.  Everything normal right?  Well he runs out of the bathroom naked, which is still nothing I haven't seen before with my nephews, but unlike my nephews he jumps in my lap. I fully expect her to grab him and go put at least some underwear on him but like most times I am very wrong.  Instead she grabs a blanket and throws it over us.  So I'm just waiting for her to offer us some daiquiris and the guy from how to catch a predator will come running in with cameras.  So I'm  like trying to keep my hands up in the air or on the top of the couch hoping she would understand how awkward and uncomfortable I am.  I mean a line has been crossed here and I am trying to be cool with this chick and show I'm ok with kids but what the fuck do I do.  She doesn't get the hint and at this point he is like straddling my leg and there is no end in sight.  I'm like sweating I'm so freaked out right now.  I am about to seriously just tell her to put some underwear on him at the very least but at that point she looked at me with those "You are so good with my kids I'm gonna fuck you eyes" I just bit my lip.  I was hoping he would jump off pretty quick but he wanted to watch Dora the Explorer.  I just had my first panic attack of the night.  I never knew how long 30 minutes was until it Dora couldn't negotiate the freaking talking bush to make it to imaginary land.  Its not like he was sitting still either we are talking like he changes position every 5 minutes and I'm wearing khaki shorts.  So now I'm having my second panic attack of the night.  Am I gonna have a skid mark from a 4 year old in my lap directly after having a strippers spray tan rub off on me.  Why am I having such problems with my lap in my life.  I mean I'm 27 years old and in two weeks am having the most traumatic experiences in my lap.  This should not be happening to me but then again I am a Nichols and this is our luck.  So after Dora figured the bush out and made it to the magical imagination land she decides its time for him to quit using my leg as a saddle. As soon as she picks him up I check my pants for skidmarks and all is good.  Now time for the reward of almost having a heart attack.  She walks in and I fix my mustache for optimal sexiness and to lack of my surprise says she is ready to go to bed also.  I am beyond pissed off at this point because no man should have to go through what I did and still not get as much as a kiss on the cheek.  Needless to say that was one of the last times I saw her and as I'm sure through time she will forget me, I will never forget the night I watched Dora the Explorer with the naked son of a girl I'm dating straddling my leg for about 40 minutes.  

just a few tickles, just a few.....

Courtney here.

So I realize it has been some time since I have shared a tale that may (or most likely may not) rival Ryan's antics. 

Here is what has been new with me the last few months.  If you don't read my blog, you must know that I tried my hand at online dating and have had some pretty interesting experiences.  Lucky for me now, I have met a fabulous (and delicious) guy, all the while laughing at the goons that have been hitting on me. 

The following guy takes the freakin cake.

He is 49 and is very discriptive in what he is looking for in a mate. 

This shit blows my mind.

Now here's the deal, you MUST read the entire text before looking at his profile photo.  It makes it that much more hysterical.  I promise.

Enjoy:

A moral, ethical Man seeks a moral, ethical woman for a life time of  love,devotion,adoration,a few tickles and lots of laughs along the way.

About Me: I spent many years taking care of my father, mother and brother, I  kept my promise to them, until they were one by one, called home by God  and now it is my turn at having a life.

I am very family oriented, but now I am thinking about myself and my needs. I want to know what
 it is like to be in love and be loved by someone.

All the qualities I seek in a mate below are the same qualities I possess. I  am an old school
 romantic at heart ( I was raised that way); I would love to be intertwined on the couch with the love of my life watching movies and eating popcorn.

Enjoying candle lit dinners for two, walks in the park or on the beach, talking about anything and everything.

I love all forms of motor sports. I do not have time to date a thousand people to find the right
one, nor do I have the patience for it.

I know that a deep and abiding friendship, that will grow into love and chemistry can only be
experienced by being together and dating and not through cyber space.

I am looking for a companion, wife and mother to our future child. I am  looking for a mate between 22 and 35 years old. I seek someone in this age range, because I am looking at the fertility health of my mate.

Let me explain further, the younger a woman is the better the chances are she will have a
healthy child and that is paramount as I want to have a child with her. I know that I would make a great husband and father. I have been ready for this for a very long time. I was always led to believe that everything falls in place in due time, well that is just NOT TRUE, you have to go after it and seize the day.

I love animals and work with them at various charities. My home is a menagerie of pets. I possess many interests and skills. I enjoy my  professional life and personal life.

I use both my head and my hands for work and fun. I am looking for the  following in a mate: A D and D ( drug and disease) free, drama-free, never married, no kids, non-smoker, social drinker, healthy, youthful, playful, fun,  spiritual, humorous, extroverted, adventurous, well spoken, conversant,  intelligent, romantic, passionate and affectionate female. She must be athletically inclined and willing to enforce a healthy life style on us both. I want a positive influence in my life.

I have a preference for blondes  with long hair ( shoulder or back length), and blue eyes.

I want her to be my Best Friend, Companion, Lover, Wife and Mother to our child.

Let me share with you where I want to be married: It is called Lost Pines Chapel, it overlooks a lake, the structure is freestanding and open, it is a architectural marvel and the form reminds me of the hands of God, himself.

My idea of a great honeymoon is staying at Goldeneye, in Oracabessa,  Jamaica. This was where Ian Flemming wrote 14 of the James Bond novels.  This was actually Ian's home until he passed away.

I am NOT looking for a Barbie Doll, far from it.

Here is what I am NOT interested in; divorced, separated, cheaters, bar flies, club queens, BBW, golddiggers, users, and scam artists.

In response to three members questions:

Yes, I can walk on hallowed ground without bursting into flames.

Yes I can look into a mirror and it does not shatter.

Yes I do cast a image in a mirror.

Wow, tough crowd on this site. If I have piqued your interest lets talk.

P.S. If  you have any suggestions on how I may improve my profile,please, by all means make
suggestions and I will incorporate them.

Thanks MikeM

Why do I get the feeling the following YouTube clip could accurately describe

an experience that would be had in this guy's wolf lair?

  

To India and Beyond(Really just to India)

   So first, I must apologize for taking my sweet time to write another story for all of you to enjoy but I have been pretty busy with planning bachelor parties and afterwards carpet cleaners to get the spray tan the stripper left all over our white carpet and my favorite pair of blue jeans. So here is a shout out to you Miss. Queen of the spray tan, just when you think your not orange enough....add one more coat and if you think you  went overboard then take it upon yourself to drag your ass across my carpet then over my beloved blue jeans.


   Anyways, so I'm back in India and of course I'm hating life.  The only good thing about coming to the curry capitol of the world is that there is usually a little tale that goes along with it.  Now I've been here about 10 or 12 times so I have a number of good stories from this cow worshiping country but today you will hear about my travel over here this past time.  It all started off in an airport bar...................................


I was sitting at the bar relaxing and having a cold brew just waiting on my flight to depart.  Now I generally have a few before I get on the plane just so I can pass out when we get to going but for some reason I was slamming them back.  Probably because I didn't drink or stay up late the night before which is usually my trick to sleeping all the way through.  So anyway, I'm drinking pretty heavily and I look at the clock and its time for my plane to depart so I go over to the gate and lo and behold its delayed.  Lucky me.  So while I'm out of the bar I wander on over to the little airport store and decide it would be best to also get some sleeping pills to aid in my slumber on the 20 hour flight to Delhi.  After I get my pills I head on back over to the bar and continue where I left off.  Everyone at the bar was sharing their "travelers war stories" like where they have been and how they travel so much.  Just so yall know, traveling in the U.S. isn't hardcore.  Catching the red-eye to Minnesota doesn't impress people.  I generally hate people that brag and talk like this in airports because they have no idea what its like flying to shit holes on the other side of the world.  So my drinking mouth kicks in and I have to put in my two cents about their badass stories.  They were not happy but I was kinda drunk so I continued to put them in their place until one of them got up and left and the other tried to call me out about my trips.  So in the lowest scariest Vietnam voice I had I whispered to him," I've seen things man...things that to this day haunt me in my sleep.  Have you ever been bucked off an elephant into a cobras nest?  I didn't think so."  Of course it was a partial lie but again, I'd been drinking and I couldn't think of anything else to say.


Ok now I'm in the airplane still drinking getting kind of tired but watching True Grit.  I'm still kind of throwing them back and finally decide to take my sleeping pills.  I read the instructions and it says to take two.  Well I'm a big boy and went for 3 and ordered another vodka tonic to wash it down with.  I'm pretty much done but I figure one more should put me out like a light so I ring the call button to order one last drink.  The flight attendent comes and informs me she shouldn't give me anymore alcohol.  Now I think this is nuts because I've only had like 5 drinks in the time True grit played through and its a long movie.  I'm not acting bad or anything I guess she saw how the sleeping pills where taking hold and thought I was worse off than I was.  But I wanted that drink so I put on my most sincere face and looked her deep in the eyes and said,"Madam, I know I've had a few drinks but I'm terrified of flying.  Why is the plane shaking like this so bad.  I just need to relax a little is all."  I really didn't think this was going to work at all but I guess I played it pretty well cause she looked back at me pretty sad and put her hand on my shoulder then walked back to get me a beer.  Fuckin right.  Flight attendants acting like the police telling me when to quit drinking.  Now I'm out.  I wake up in London not feeling quite right probably cause that irresponsible flight attendant let me drink to much.  I arrive to my next gate only to find another bar.  After downing about 5 bottles of water I have another beer to hopefully carry my buzz over to the next 9 hour flight.  You know what the funny thing about airports?  Its the only place you can drink at 7 o'clock in the morning and nobody gives you any shit about it.  Its crazy.  Anyway I have maybe 2 beers before my next flight then I'm back out flying again.


Now I made it to India and nothing really exciting happens until I get to the port of my final destination.
I'm at customs getting ready to get on the barge when they tell me to go eat lunch and chill at this hotel until they come get me.  I'm cool with that I haven't eaten in like a day and a half so I could munch on something.  I eat and they come get me but we had to sidetrack to pick up this other American guy at another hotel.  The driver gets out and I'm waiting and waiting. Its hot now here in India and I'm starting to get a little upset being left in this car for almost an hour when finally the driver comes out.  I ask him what the hell is going on and he replies,"Oh, American man to much drinking."  Now I might come off sounding bad saying that this guy is ridiculous but remember the only reason I was drinking earlier was to sleep on a plane.  This guy got sideways right before we were going to the job site.  When I say drunk this dude was DRUNK.  He barely got to the car and I tried introducing myself but he didn't really seem to care.  He was to busy trying to pull something out of his pocket with only one hand.  His other was in a sling.  Later I found out he was in some sort of weight lifting accident.  Anyways when he finally got this stuff out of his pocket he looked at me and said his first words to me,"Hey dude, you wanna smoke some hash." Seriously dude we are literally about to go to work and you already cannot stand and you wanna blow down on some of the stickiest of the icky.  Now I like to party but this is unreal.  You've got to get a picture of this guy too.  He is about 50 with glasses that have toothpaste particles on them, he smells like he tried covering up what is sure to be whiskey with beer and now he trying to cover up the alcohol with hash.  I hope you get the picture.  So they take us to the boat so we can ride out to the barge.  Its kind of a tricky way to get down.  You can either crawl carefully like I did or you can jump violently like my new buddy did.  Remember he only has one arm too that works and in the other he has a Fosters beer that pretty much covered me when I tried to keep him from falling into the ocean when he decided to Superman into the boat.  I got pretty upset about this now because I have beer all over me and this guy is like 50, he shouldn't be acting like this.  I grabbed him took him to the room in the boat and basically told him to sit down and chill the fuck out.  Surprisingly he listened and just layed back and eventually went to sleep.  The boat ride took about 2 hours and by the time we got there he woke up and was still wasted.  I knew he was going to get fired but lucky for him one of his buddies saw him and took him straight to his room to sleep it off.  I've seen him like 5 times since I've been here and he doesn't even recognize me.  I'm thinking if he gets drunk like that again when we leave I'm going to carve my initials in his forehead so he doesn't ever forget who he poured that beer on.  Well thats it for now, I hope you enjoy.
  


   

Hippie Hollow, Austin Texas - Google It.

Before I begin this story, please read the details of one of Austin's most infamous parks:

Description:

 Hippie Hollow Park lies in the basin area of Lake Travis in the Hill Country of central Texas, approximately one-half hour's drive from downtown Austin, The Park features a steep, rocky shoreline and provides some spectacular views of Lake Travis. This heavily-used park, the only clothing optional public park in Texas, is popular for sunbathing and swimming.

Acreage:  109    

Annual Visitors:  350,000

Available Activities

• bird watching
• hiking
• sunbathing
• swimming

Amenities

• clothing optional
• concession stand (seasonally, when available)
• designated swimming area (boats prohibited)
• nature/hiking trails
• paved ADA accessible trail
• restrooms
• drinking water

Special Notes

• Day use only park.
• There are no lifeguards on duty.
• Hippie Hollow Park has a long tradition as the on only clothing-optional public park in Texas. Entry to the park is restricted to those people 18 years and older.
• Please respect the privacy of other visitors and ask permission before taking photographs. Remember that nudity is acceptable, lewd behavior is not.
• Hippie Hollow Park includes habitat for species protected under the Federal Endangered Species Act, including the Golden-cheeked Warbler and the Black-capped Vireo. As a result, certain areas of the park are off-limits to park visitors.

So I think you get somewhat of an idea of what kind of place this is.

 
If you don't, I'll give you a second.

Alright, you moron, it's Austin's infamous nudist beach.

One hot, balmy day last summer, my girlfriends and I decided to give this place a shot to see what it was all about.  Let me tell you, if you are ok with grown men wearing nothing but backpacks and sneakers, this is the place for you.


We of course packed enough alcohol to get an army of sneaker-wearing gay men drunk.  We figured this would be a necesity to get us to sunbathe topless, let alone fully nude.


Now I would consider myself bohemian by nature, and very comfortable with myself.  That being said, I honestly didn't think it would take much for me to join in on the reindeer games.

 I timidly remove my top on this gorgeous Austin day and look around to make sure no lurkers were around.  Lucky for me, most of the people on the beach were congrated to the right of me, so the liquid courage was kicking in.  It was the weirdest thing.  A group of probably 50 men circled around eachother like a bunch of vultures.  This of course made me feel better about my lack of clothing, so I tip-toed into the water with my friends.  No one is going to pay attention to us, right?  I mean, we don't have the equipment they are interested in anyways.


Meanwhile, a man floats by (stomach up) on a large pink floaty.  Geez, could have lived without that eyeful.


To my left, there is your typical 60+ year old couple enjoying the sun as well, also, wearing nothing but sneakers.  You have to protect your tender feet on the trek down the hill right? 

A boat goes by (this is normal for Austinites to take a trip by this cove to see all the nudists, me being one of them), and the older couple JUMPS up to wave.  So remember when I mentioned their ages?  Yeah, things flopped UP and then DOWN.  And then they started to wave with their WHOLE BODIES. 

Old man parts - left, right, left, right, left, right. 
Old woman parts - left, right, left, right, left, right. 

I'm not going to lie.  
I stared. 
Stared to the point where I got a wink from the old, saggy man. 
Oy vey.


So as my girlfriends and I are splashing and laughing in the water, we notice a set of guys who are swimming in our direction.  And lurking.  At this point, we have resigned to the fact that all of the men here are gay, so we are not bothered by their presence in the slightest.  Well I get out of the water to put more sunscreen on (you have to make sure you are protected, no?) and here is what went down:


I am sitting facing the left when I hear a male voice to my right (keep in mind he has a Louisiana drawl).


Naked dude: "Excuuuuuse me misssss...."


I turn to face him, not realizing WHERE I AM and get a FACE full of a stranger's crotch.


Me: "WHAT THE HELL??? Dude, get that thing out of my face and get the eff away from me!  I could have been injured!!"


My girlfriends notice this going on and get out of the water, laughing hysterically.


Naked dude: "Sooo I'm not from around here.  Are you?"


Me: "What the fuck dude, you think I live here?  Fuck no, get away from me.  Not here to make friends."


Naked dude: "Sorry miss, just wanted to see if maybe you and your friends were free tonight.  We don't live in Austin and we need some recommendations on bars and hot spots for parties."


Me: "What do I look like, a tour guide?" (Now all of a sudden it hits me.  THIS GUY IS NOT GAY.)


I throw my towel over myself and politely list off all of the GAYest gay bars downtown Austin, give him a fake number and told him to make sure to wear something shiny.  With lots of cologne.


Me: "So I hope you enjoy yourself tonight, and remember, Austinites are just friendly people.  It take some getting used to, but something tells me you will have a memorable evening!"


Now my mother would tell me the moral of the story is that I should have never gone to this nude beach, and that there is probably a small place in Hades for my actions that day.


But I feel the moral of the story is as follows:
"Never put your junk in a stranger's face."

Courtney Out.

Battering Ram

So as one of the comments on my last post mentioned, I must now reveal the story of the Mighty Ram...(really more like a small goat with little "kid" syndrome)


So me and my brother,who will remain nameless until further notice, were at my dads house visiting during one of his vacations from work.  He still thinks he is Rambo so he works in Iraq to keep himself sharp in case another wild monkey tries to get the jump on him in Texas and every few months he gets a few weeks off.


  Anyways we were at his house in the Hill Country, which is southwest Texas pretty close to Mexico, and he was telling us about a couple of goats that keep coming around and eating all the plants and vegetation that he planted in the road entrance to his house.  This is a major no no in the world of Rambo.  So we were sitting on the front porch of his house and see these bad ass billy goats wander up to the front gate.  We decided to take it easy on them and walked down there unarmed...Mistake.


  Once we got down there the goats turned hostile.  Apparently the agave plant has duel purposes...making tequila and steroids for goats.  Once we got in between them and the precious agave they started raising up on two legs and coming down head first at our knees.  My first thought was, "How could these goats know our achilles heel?", and my second was,"How dare these little bastards attack us on our land.''  So after they gave my brother and dad a couple of pinpoint shots to the kneecaps, I stepped in.


 Of course with a little coaxing from my dear family members I square off with leader of the shenanigans.  After toying with it for the past few minutes I decided to put an end to it,  I dodge a couple of swift attacks and for some odd reason on the last of the vicious attacks the goat hops back on its two legs cocks his head to the side and comes down...I do the same.  We collide head to head.  I admit its not the smartest thing I've done but sometimes I do things not to smart for the sake of a laugh.


  Actually I think I hurt it more than I hurt myself because it looked at me like,"W-H-H-H-H-H-H-Y", in a goat voice and walked away.  Now all of this was taking place on a highway with people rubbernecking trying to get a piece of the action.  At least that is what I like to think, I'm sure they were really thinking,"What the fuck kind of white trash lives there."  Either way Ryan 1 Goat 0.


On a side note,  a few weeks later my dad was getting married at his house there in the Hill Country,  enter the agave guzzling goats.  Well I guess this sets off a Panama flashback because he grabs his pistol and heads for the gate, in his wedding attire.  As he starts sneaking up on these animals the leader spots him, hesitates a bit remembering the run in with me, then he hikes up on his two legs and before he could come down my dad mutters in cool movie hero voice, that sounds like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon,"I'll be damned if another member of the animal kingdom one ups me again!", then pulls the pistol and puts one between the eyes.  The other goat looked in horror as his brother grass grazer falls to the ground dead.  It tries to run but if you've ever seen Rambo you know what happens next.  So now we have two dead goats and a wedding to deal with...at least they didn't have to plan dinner.  


So I found a post on YouTube that was pretty similar to what happened so here it is.

Sh*t My Dad Says

As some of you know, I have been blogging for quite some time now.  One of my most-read posts is the one you are about to read.  I feel this goes hand-in-hand with Ryan's post a few days ago, and feel like these tales NEVER get old, and ALWAYS make me laugh.  Keep in mind, my father is also a story-teller:


So if you haven't heard, Shit My Dad Says is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever read. I am following him on Facebook, Twitter, and will be buying his book as soon as it comes out.

The author is a 29 year old guy living with his crotchety 74 year old father.

Well this got me thinking.


Some of the shit my dad says could rival this guy. I have been prompted by several people to share the gems that come out of my dad's mouth. Please picture a man who is a fabulous cross between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Nick Nolte. Not old school hot Nick Nolte, but Mug Shot Nick Nolte. He loves country music and diesel-fueled trucks almost as much as he loves his tractor and Crown Royal. Keep in mind, I love my dad to pieces, I really do, but the only way I can deal with him is to laugh at the shit he says, much like the author of Shit My Dad Says.


Lucky you!


1. After telling my dad that my disastrous adult roller skating experience did not go so well, he suggests, "Next time you are gettin passed by all those worthless little kids, you need to wear Mini-Me as a backpack. You know that little midget in the Austin Power movies? Yeah. Then when they pass you, you throw that little midget on them so he can bite the back of their necks. That'll show 'em."


2. "Yeah, we bought the property next to us. No, not for investment purposes. So the colored's won't move in."


3. "You married yet? What, you're 32 aren't you? Before you know it, I'll be too old for your damn kids. Then what are you going to do?"


4. After spending a redneck evening popping BlackCats and drinking brews, I hear a sad, slow country song playing on the radio. I turn to see my dad with a joint hanging from his lip, leaning against his Dodge Ram diesel-fueled truck, "You know, I'll always love your mama." Feelings are apparently best expressed when intoxicated and stoned - after blowin' shit up.


5. Rewind to impressionable Courtney, age 8. Summer time at the local pool with the dad. He hands me a chocolate bar and whispers, "Here. Take this. No. No. NO! Don't eat it. Christ. Throw it in the water. People will think that little Messican kid over there took a crap in the pool."


6. Rewind again to innocent Courtney, age 11. "Did I ever tell you about the time I joined the KKK? Yeah, those were some crazy times. That was also the same year that I tried to run your uncle Mike down in my Chevy truck when he was ridin his bike. (insert chuckle)"


7. "Put a shirt on? What the hell for? We ain't goin to church."


8. "You see our new coffee table book? '100 Ways You Might Be a Redneck' sure is a good read for the shitter."
9. "Well who the hell needs a bathin suit when you got your jockey's on? Hell, sometimes I sit in this same hot tub buck ass nekked."


10. Meal time at a family function - I walk pass my dad and pat him on the shoulder and ask him what he's been up to. His response: "Well, I can tell you right now I'm workin on a turd."


11. My dad is constantly playing tricks on people. His favorite is wearing a hairy gorilla mask and jumping out of dark hiding spots. I swear to goodness I pee my pants in fear every time. "Yeah, this one time out in Utah, I put this mask on. My helper shit his pants. Swear to God. No, I swear. Shit. His Pants."


12. My dad's house is an exact replica of Hank Hill's house on 'King of the Hill'. When I brought up the fact that his Texas shaped clock made out of driftwood is identical to the one shown in this hillbilly cartoon his response was, "Well hell, that sonofabitch sure has some good taste."


13. "Internet. What in the hell is that? That place where people talk in those chat houses? That's some gay shit."


14. "Yeah, your lovely stepmom here saved all the Crown Royal bags and is makin me a quilt. Next time you come out here, it will be hanging right here on this wall."


15. "Here, take a shot of this Tequila. It'll grow hair on your chest. Oh, hell. Don't make that face, I was just fuckin with you."

16. "Dammit Courtney. You keep those cats around and no respectable man will want you. Who wants to be dealin with some crazy cat lady?"


AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:


17. "Don't you be tellin those poop stories you like to tell at work. Unless your co-worker is tellin a REAL good one. Then you gotta tell it. Remember what I told you, 'A Nichols never gets one-uped.'"