So first, I must apologize for taking my sweet time to write another story for all of you to enjoy but I have been pretty busy with planning bachelor parties and afterwards carpet cleaners to get the spray tan the stripper left all over our white carpet and my favorite pair of blue jeans. So here is a shout out to you Miss. Queen of the spray tan, just when you think your not orange enough....add one more coat and if you think you went overboard then take it upon yourself to drag your ass across my carpet then over my beloved blue jeans.
Anyways, so I'm back in India and of course I'm hating life. The only good thing about coming to the curry capitol of the world is that there is usually a little tale that goes along with it. Now I've been here about 10 or 12 times so I have a number of good stories from this cow worshiping country but today you will hear about my travel over here this past time. It all started off in an airport bar...................................
I was sitting at the bar relaxing and having a cold brew just waiting on my flight to depart. Now I generally have a few before I get on the plane just so I can pass out when we get to going but for some reason I was slamming them back. Probably because I didn't drink or stay up late the night before which is usually my trick to sleeping all the way through. So anyway, I'm drinking pretty heavily and I look at the clock and its time for my plane to depart so I go over to the gate and lo and behold its delayed. Lucky me. So while I'm out of the bar I wander on over to the little airport store and decide it would be best to also get some sleeping pills to aid in my slumber on the 20 hour flight to Delhi. After I get my pills I head on back over to the bar and continue where I left off. Everyone at the bar was sharing their "travelers war stories" like where they have been and how they travel so much. Just so yall know, traveling in the U.S. isn't hardcore. Catching the red-eye to Minnesota doesn't impress people. I generally hate people that brag and talk like this in airports because they have no idea what its like flying to shit holes on the other side of the world. So my drinking mouth kicks in and I have to put in my two cents about their badass stories. They were not happy but I was kinda drunk so I continued to put them in their place until one of them got up and left and the other tried to call me out about my trips. So in the lowest scariest Vietnam voice I had I whispered to him," I've seen things man...things that to this day haunt me in my sleep. Have you ever been bucked off an elephant into a cobras nest? I didn't think so." Of course it was a partial lie but again, I'd been drinking and I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Ok now I'm in the airplane still drinking getting kind of tired but watching True Grit. I'm still kind of throwing them back and finally decide to take my sleeping pills. I read the instructions and it says to take two. Well I'm a big boy and went for 3 and ordered another vodka tonic to wash it down with. I'm pretty much done but I figure one more should put me out like a light so I ring the call button to order one last drink. The flight attendent comes and informs me she shouldn't give me anymore alcohol. Now I think this is nuts because I've only had like 5 drinks in the time True grit played through and its a long movie. I'm not acting bad or anything I guess she saw how the sleeping pills where taking hold and thought I was worse off than I was. But I wanted that drink so I put on my most sincere face and looked her deep in the eyes and said,"Madam, I know I've had a few drinks but I'm terrified of flying. Why is the plane shaking like this so bad. I just need to relax a little is all." I really didn't think this was going to work at all but I guess I played it pretty well cause she looked back at me pretty sad and put her hand on my shoulder then walked back to get me a beer. Fuckin right. Flight attendants acting like the police telling me when to quit drinking. Now I'm out. I wake up in London not feeling quite right probably cause that irresponsible flight attendant let me drink to much. I arrive to my next gate only to find another bar. After downing about 5 bottles of water I have another beer to hopefully carry my buzz over to the next 9 hour flight. You know what the funny thing about airports? Its the only place you can drink at 7 o'clock in the morning and nobody gives you any shit about it. Its crazy. Anyway I have maybe 2 beers before my next flight then I'm back out flying again.
Now I made it to India and nothing really exciting happens until I get to the port of my final destination.
I'm at customs getting ready to get on the barge when they tell me to go eat lunch and chill at this hotel until they come get me. I'm cool with that I haven't eaten in like a day and a half so I could munch on something. I eat and they come get me but we had to sidetrack to pick up this other American guy at another hotel. The driver gets out and I'm waiting and waiting. Its hot now here in India and I'm starting to get a little upset being left in this car for almost an hour when finally the driver comes out. I ask him what the hell is going on and he replies,"Oh, American man to much drinking." Now I might come off sounding bad saying that this guy is ridiculous but remember the only reason I was drinking earlier was to sleep on a plane. This guy got sideways right before we were going to the job site. When I say drunk this dude was DRUNK. He barely got to the car and I tried introducing myself but he didn't really seem to care. He was to busy trying to pull something out of his pocket with only one hand. His other was in a sling. Later I found out he was in some sort of weight lifting accident. Anyways when he finally got this stuff out of his pocket he looked at me and said his first words to me,"Hey dude, you wanna smoke some hash." Seriously dude we are literally about to go to work and you already cannot stand and you wanna blow down on some of the stickiest of the icky. Now I like to party but this is unreal. You've got to get a picture of this guy too. He is about 50 with glasses that have toothpaste particles on them, he smells like he tried covering up what is sure to be whiskey with beer and now he trying to cover up the alcohol with hash. I hope you get the picture. So they take us to the boat so we can ride out to the barge. Its kind of a tricky way to get down. You can either crawl carefully like I did or you can jump violently like my new buddy did. Remember he only has one arm too that works and in the other he has a Fosters beer that pretty much covered me when I tried to keep him from falling into the ocean when he decided to Superman into the boat. I got pretty upset about this now because I have beer all over me and this guy is like 50, he shouldn't be acting like this. I grabbed him took him to the room in the boat and basically told him to sit down and chill the fuck out. Surprisingly he listened and just layed back and eventually went to sleep. The boat ride took about 2 hours and by the time we got there he woke up and was still wasted. I knew he was going to get fired but lucky for him one of his buddies saw him and took him straight to his room to sleep it off. I've seen him like 5 times since I've been here and he doesn't even recognize me. I'm thinking if he gets drunk like that again when we leave I'm going to carve my initials in his forehead so he doesn't ever forget who he poured that beer on. Well thats it for now, I hope you enjoy.
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