Sh*t My Dad Says

As some of you know, I have been blogging for quite some time now.  One of my most-read posts is the one you are about to read.  I feel this goes hand-in-hand with Ryan's post a few days ago, and feel like these tales NEVER get old, and ALWAYS make me laugh.  Keep in mind, my father is also a story-teller:


So if you haven't heard, Shit My Dad Says is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever read. I am following him on Facebook, Twitter, and will be buying his book as soon as it comes out.

The author is a 29 year old guy living with his crotchety 74 year old father.

Well this got me thinking.


Some of the shit my dad says could rival this guy. I have been prompted by several people to share the gems that come out of my dad's mouth. Please picture a man who is a fabulous cross between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Nick Nolte. Not old school hot Nick Nolte, but Mug Shot Nick Nolte. He loves country music and diesel-fueled trucks almost as much as he loves his tractor and Crown Royal. Keep in mind, I love my dad to pieces, I really do, but the only way I can deal with him is to laugh at the shit he says, much like the author of Shit My Dad Says.


Lucky you!


1. After telling my dad that my disastrous adult roller skating experience did not go so well, he suggests, "Next time you are gettin passed by all those worthless little kids, you need to wear Mini-Me as a backpack. You know that little midget in the Austin Power movies? Yeah. Then when they pass you, you throw that little midget on them so he can bite the back of their necks. That'll show 'em."


2. "Yeah, we bought the property next to us. No, not for investment purposes. So the colored's won't move in."


3. "You married yet? What, you're 32 aren't you? Before you know it, I'll be too old for your damn kids. Then what are you going to do?"


4. After spending a redneck evening popping BlackCats and drinking brews, I hear a sad, slow country song playing on the radio. I turn to see my dad with a joint hanging from his lip, leaning against his Dodge Ram diesel-fueled truck, "You know, I'll always love your mama." Feelings are apparently best expressed when intoxicated and stoned - after blowin' shit up.


5. Rewind to impressionable Courtney, age 8. Summer time at the local pool with the dad. He hands me a chocolate bar and whispers, "Here. Take this. No. No. NO! Don't eat it. Christ. Throw it in the water. People will think that little Messican kid over there took a crap in the pool."


6. Rewind again to innocent Courtney, age 11. "Did I ever tell you about the time I joined the KKK? Yeah, those were some crazy times. That was also the same year that I tried to run your uncle Mike down in my Chevy truck when he was ridin his bike. (insert chuckle)"


7. "Put a shirt on? What the hell for? We ain't goin to church."


8. "You see our new coffee table book? '100 Ways You Might Be a Redneck' sure is a good read for the shitter."
9. "Well who the hell needs a bathin suit when you got your jockey's on? Hell, sometimes I sit in this same hot tub buck ass nekked."


10. Meal time at a family function - I walk pass my dad and pat him on the shoulder and ask him what he's been up to. His response: "Well, I can tell you right now I'm workin on a turd."


11. My dad is constantly playing tricks on people. His favorite is wearing a hairy gorilla mask and jumping out of dark hiding spots. I swear to goodness I pee my pants in fear every time. "Yeah, this one time out in Utah, I put this mask on. My helper shit his pants. Swear to God. No, I swear. Shit. His Pants."


12. My dad's house is an exact replica of Hank Hill's house on 'King of the Hill'. When I brought up the fact that his Texas shaped clock made out of driftwood is identical to the one shown in this hillbilly cartoon his response was, "Well hell, that sonofabitch sure has some good taste."


13. "Internet. What in the hell is that? That place where people talk in those chat houses? That's some gay shit."


14. "Yeah, your lovely stepmom here saved all the Crown Royal bags and is makin me a quilt. Next time you come out here, it will be hanging right here on this wall."


15. "Here, take a shot of this Tequila. It'll grow hair on your chest. Oh, hell. Don't make that face, I was just fuckin with you."

16. "Dammit Courtney. You keep those cats around and no respectable man will want you. Who wants to be dealin with some crazy cat lady?"


AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:


17. "Don't you be tellin those poop stories you like to tell at work. Unless your co-worker is tellin a REAL good one. Then you gotta tell it. Remember what I told you, 'A Nichols never gets one-uped.'"