Hippie Hollow, Austin Texas - Google It.

Before I begin this story, please read the details of one of Austin's most infamous parks:

Description:

 Hippie Hollow Park lies in the basin area of Lake Travis in the Hill Country of central Texas, approximately one-half hour's drive from downtown Austin, The Park features a steep, rocky shoreline and provides some spectacular views of Lake Travis. This heavily-used park, the only clothing optional public park in Texas, is popular for sunbathing and swimming.

Acreage:  109    

Annual Visitors:  350,000

Available Activities

• bird watching
• hiking
• sunbathing
• swimming

Amenities

• clothing optional
• concession stand (seasonally, when available)
• designated swimming area (boats prohibited)
• nature/hiking trails
• paved ADA accessible trail
• restrooms
• drinking water

Special Notes

• Day use only park.
• There are no lifeguards on duty.
• Hippie Hollow Park has a long tradition as the on only clothing-optional public park in Texas. Entry to the park is restricted to those people 18 years and older.
• Please respect the privacy of other visitors and ask permission before taking photographs. Remember that nudity is acceptable, lewd behavior is not.
• Hippie Hollow Park includes habitat for species protected under the Federal Endangered Species Act, including the Golden-cheeked Warbler and the Black-capped Vireo. As a result, certain areas of the park are off-limits to park visitors.

So I think you get somewhat of an idea of what kind of place this is.

 
If you don't, I'll give you a second.

Alright, you moron, it's Austin's infamous nudist beach.

One hot, balmy day last summer, my girlfriends and I decided to give this place a shot to see what it was all about.  Let me tell you, if you are ok with grown men wearing nothing but backpacks and sneakers, this is the place for you.


We of course packed enough alcohol to get an army of sneaker-wearing gay men drunk.  We figured this would be a necesity to get us to sunbathe topless, let alone fully nude.


Now I would consider myself bohemian by nature, and very comfortable with myself.  That being said, I honestly didn't think it would take much for me to join in on the reindeer games.

 I timidly remove my top on this gorgeous Austin day and look around to make sure no lurkers were around.  Lucky for me, most of the people on the beach were congrated to the right of me, so the liquid courage was kicking in.  It was the weirdest thing.  A group of probably 50 men circled around eachother like a bunch of vultures.  This of course made me feel better about my lack of clothing, so I tip-toed into the water with my friends.  No one is going to pay attention to us, right?  I mean, we don't have the equipment they are interested in anyways.


Meanwhile, a man floats by (stomach up) on a large pink floaty.  Geez, could have lived without that eyeful.


To my left, there is your typical 60+ year old couple enjoying the sun as well, also, wearing nothing but sneakers.  You have to protect your tender feet on the trek down the hill right? 

A boat goes by (this is normal for Austinites to take a trip by this cove to see all the nudists, me being one of them), and the older couple JUMPS up to wave.  So remember when I mentioned their ages?  Yeah, things flopped UP and then DOWN.  And then they started to wave with their WHOLE BODIES. 

Old man parts - left, right, left, right, left, right. 
Old woman parts - left, right, left, right, left, right. 

I'm not going to lie.  
I stared. 
Stared to the point where I got a wink from the old, saggy man. 
Oy vey.


So as my girlfriends and I are splashing and laughing in the water, we notice a set of guys who are swimming in our direction.  And lurking.  At this point, we have resigned to the fact that all of the men here are gay, so we are not bothered by their presence in the slightest.  Well I get out of the water to put more sunscreen on (you have to make sure you are protected, no?) and here is what went down:


I am sitting facing the left when I hear a male voice to my right (keep in mind he has a Louisiana drawl).


Naked dude: "Excuuuuuse me misssss...."


I turn to face him, not realizing WHERE I AM and get a FACE full of a stranger's crotch.


Me: "WHAT THE HELL??? Dude, get that thing out of my face and get the eff away from me!  I could have been injured!!"


My girlfriends notice this going on and get out of the water, laughing hysterically.


Naked dude: "Sooo I'm not from around here.  Are you?"


Me: "What the fuck dude, you think I live here?  Fuck no, get away from me.  Not here to make friends."


Naked dude: "Sorry miss, just wanted to see if maybe you and your friends were free tonight.  We don't live in Austin and we need some recommendations on bars and hot spots for parties."


Me: "What do I look like, a tour guide?" (Now all of a sudden it hits me.  THIS GUY IS NOT GAY.)


I throw my towel over myself and politely list off all of the GAYest gay bars downtown Austin, give him a fake number and told him to make sure to wear something shiny.  With lots of cologne.


Me: "So I hope you enjoy yourself tonight, and remember, Austinites are just friendly people.  It take some getting used to, but something tells me you will have a memorable evening!"


Now my mother would tell me the moral of the story is that I should have never gone to this nude beach, and that there is probably a small place in Hades for my actions that day.


But I feel the moral of the story is as follows:
"Never put your junk in a stranger's face."

Courtney Out.

Battering Ram

So as one of the comments on my last post mentioned, I must now reveal the story of the Mighty Ram...(really more like a small goat with little "kid" syndrome)


So me and my brother,who will remain nameless until further notice, were at my dads house visiting during one of his vacations from work.  He still thinks he is Rambo so he works in Iraq to keep himself sharp in case another wild monkey tries to get the jump on him in Texas and every few months he gets a few weeks off.


  Anyways we were at his house in the Hill Country, which is southwest Texas pretty close to Mexico, and he was telling us about a couple of goats that keep coming around and eating all the plants and vegetation that he planted in the road entrance to his house.  This is a major no no in the world of Rambo.  So we were sitting on the front porch of his house and see these bad ass billy goats wander up to the front gate.  We decided to take it easy on them and walked down there unarmed...Mistake.


  Once we got down there the goats turned hostile.  Apparently the agave plant has duel purposes...making tequila and steroids for goats.  Once we got in between them and the precious agave they started raising up on two legs and coming down head first at our knees.  My first thought was, "How could these goats know our achilles heel?", and my second was,"How dare these little bastards attack us on our land.''  So after they gave my brother and dad a couple of pinpoint shots to the kneecaps, I stepped in.


 Of course with a little coaxing from my dear family members I square off with leader of the shenanigans.  After toying with it for the past few minutes I decided to put an end to it,  I dodge a couple of swift attacks and for some odd reason on the last of the vicious attacks the goat hops back on its two legs cocks his head to the side and comes down...I do the same.  We collide head to head.  I admit its not the smartest thing I've done but sometimes I do things not to smart for the sake of a laugh.


  Actually I think I hurt it more than I hurt myself because it looked at me like,"W-H-H-H-H-H-H-Y", in a goat voice and walked away.  Now all of this was taking place on a highway with people rubbernecking trying to get a piece of the action.  At least that is what I like to think, I'm sure they were really thinking,"What the fuck kind of white trash lives there."  Either way Ryan 1 Goat 0.


On a side note,  a few weeks later my dad was getting married at his house there in the Hill Country,  enter the agave guzzling goats.  Well I guess this sets off a Panama flashback because he grabs his pistol and heads for the gate, in his wedding attire.  As he starts sneaking up on these animals the leader spots him, hesitates a bit remembering the run in with me, then he hikes up on his two legs and before he could come down my dad mutters in cool movie hero voice, that sounds like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon,"I'll be damned if another member of the animal kingdom one ups me again!", then pulls the pistol and puts one between the eyes.  The other goat looked in horror as his brother grass grazer falls to the ground dead.  It tries to run but if you've ever seen Rambo you know what happens next.  So now we have two dead goats and a wedding to deal with...at least they didn't have to plan dinner.  


So I found a post on YouTube that was pretty similar to what happened so here it is.

Sh*t My Dad Says

As some of you know, I have been blogging for quite some time now.  One of my most-read posts is the one you are about to read.  I feel this goes hand-in-hand with Ryan's post a few days ago, and feel like these tales NEVER get old, and ALWAYS make me laugh.  Keep in mind, my father is also a story-teller:


So if you haven't heard, Shit My Dad Says is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever read. I am following him on Facebook, Twitter, and will be buying his book as soon as it comes out.

The author is a 29 year old guy living with his crotchety 74 year old father.

Well this got me thinking.


Some of the shit my dad says could rival this guy. I have been prompted by several people to share the gems that come out of my dad's mouth. Please picture a man who is a fabulous cross between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Nick Nolte. Not old school hot Nick Nolte, but Mug Shot Nick Nolte. He loves country music and diesel-fueled trucks almost as much as he loves his tractor and Crown Royal. Keep in mind, I love my dad to pieces, I really do, but the only way I can deal with him is to laugh at the shit he says, much like the author of Shit My Dad Says.


Lucky you!


1. After telling my dad that my disastrous adult roller skating experience did not go so well, he suggests, "Next time you are gettin passed by all those worthless little kids, you need to wear Mini-Me as a backpack. You know that little midget in the Austin Power movies? Yeah. Then when they pass you, you throw that little midget on them so he can bite the back of their necks. That'll show 'em."


2. "Yeah, we bought the property next to us. No, not for investment purposes. So the colored's won't move in."


3. "You married yet? What, you're 32 aren't you? Before you know it, I'll be too old for your damn kids. Then what are you going to do?"


4. After spending a redneck evening popping BlackCats and drinking brews, I hear a sad, slow country song playing on the radio. I turn to see my dad with a joint hanging from his lip, leaning against his Dodge Ram diesel-fueled truck, "You know, I'll always love your mama." Feelings are apparently best expressed when intoxicated and stoned - after blowin' shit up.


5. Rewind to impressionable Courtney, age 8. Summer time at the local pool with the dad. He hands me a chocolate bar and whispers, "Here. Take this. No. No. NO! Don't eat it. Christ. Throw it in the water. People will think that little Messican kid over there took a crap in the pool."


6. Rewind again to innocent Courtney, age 11. "Did I ever tell you about the time I joined the KKK? Yeah, those were some crazy times. That was also the same year that I tried to run your uncle Mike down in my Chevy truck when he was ridin his bike. (insert chuckle)"


7. "Put a shirt on? What the hell for? We ain't goin to church."


8. "You see our new coffee table book? '100 Ways You Might Be a Redneck' sure is a good read for the shitter."
9. "Well who the hell needs a bathin suit when you got your jockey's on? Hell, sometimes I sit in this same hot tub buck ass nekked."


10. Meal time at a family function - I walk pass my dad and pat him on the shoulder and ask him what he's been up to. His response: "Well, I can tell you right now I'm workin on a turd."


11. My dad is constantly playing tricks on people. His favorite is wearing a hairy gorilla mask and jumping out of dark hiding spots. I swear to goodness I pee my pants in fear every time. "Yeah, this one time out in Utah, I put this mask on. My helper shit his pants. Swear to God. No, I swear. Shit. His Pants."


12. My dad's house is an exact replica of Hank Hill's house on 'King of the Hill'. When I brought up the fact that his Texas shaped clock made out of driftwood is identical to the one shown in this hillbilly cartoon his response was, "Well hell, that sonofabitch sure has some good taste."


13. "Internet. What in the hell is that? That place where people talk in those chat houses? That's some gay shit."


14. "Yeah, your lovely stepmom here saved all the Crown Royal bags and is makin me a quilt. Next time you come out here, it will be hanging right here on this wall."


15. "Here, take a shot of this Tequila. It'll grow hair on your chest. Oh, hell. Don't make that face, I was just fuckin with you."

16. "Dammit Courtney. You keep those cats around and no respectable man will want you. Who wants to be dealin with some crazy cat lady?"


AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:


17. "Don't you be tellin those poop stories you like to tell at work. Unless your co-worker is tellin a REAL good one. Then you gotta tell it. Remember what I told you, 'A Nichols never gets one-uped.'"