Ok apologies for taking so long to write......again. The busy life of a Nichols is a handful sometimes and it rarely gives me the luxury of being able to have free time. So with that said I must tell a tale of one of the most awkward moments in my life. One of the most, definitely not the top unfortunately.
So I'm dating this girl for about a month when she decides to let me meet her kid. Now I'm pretty good with kids so I'm not to worried about the meeting. I mean I have two pretty wild nephews that have done pretty much everything a kid could do that would catch me off guard. Now I love them very much but there are lines that shall and will never be crossed by them. One of them being wiping their butts and the other is sitting in my lap whilst naked. Now guess which one happened to me over at her house the FIRST time I met her boy.
The whole evening was normal that entire night....we ate, we played with trains, I watched and complimented on him on his amazing abilities to color in the lines, then showed his little punk ass up by using the right colors on everything. He is 4 by the way. So after all the normal activities are over she takes him to the bath and he takes one. Everything normal right? Well he runs out of the bathroom naked, which is still nothing I haven't seen before with my nephews, but unlike my nephews he jumps in my lap. I fully expect her to grab him and go put at least some underwear on him but like most times I am very wrong. Instead she grabs a blanket and throws it over us. So I'm just waiting for her to offer us some daiquiris and the guy from how to catch a predator will come running in with cameras. So I'm like trying to keep my hands up in the air or on the top of the couch hoping she would understand how awkward and uncomfortable I am. I mean a line has been crossed here and I am trying to be cool with this chick and show I'm ok with kids but what the fuck do I do. She doesn't get the hint and at this point he is like straddling my leg and there is no end in sight. I'm like sweating I'm so freaked out right now. I am about to seriously just tell her to put some underwear on him at the very least but at that point she looked at me with those "You are so good with my kids I'm gonna fuck you eyes" I just bit my lip. I was hoping he would jump off pretty quick but he wanted to watch Dora the Explorer. I just had my first panic attack of the night. I never knew how long 30 minutes was until it Dora couldn't negotiate the freaking talking bush to make it to imaginary land. Its not like he was sitting still either we are talking like he changes position every 5 minutes and I'm wearing khaki shorts. So now I'm having my second panic attack of the night. Am I gonna have a skid mark from a 4 year old in my lap directly after having a strippers spray tan rub off on me. Why am I having such problems with my lap in my life. I mean I'm 27 years old and in two weeks am having the most traumatic experiences in my lap. This should not be happening to me but then again I am a Nichols and this is our luck. So after Dora figured the bush out and made it to the magical imagination land she decides its time for him to quit using my leg as a saddle. As soon as she picks him up I check my pants for skidmarks and all is good. Now time for the reward of almost having a heart attack. She walks in and I fix my mustache for optimal sexiness and to lack of my surprise says she is ready to go to bed also. I am beyond pissed off at this point because no man should have to go through what I did and still not get as much as a kiss on the cheek. Needless to say that was one of the last times I saw her and as I'm sure through time she will forget me, I will never forget the night I watched Dora the Explorer with the naked son of a girl I'm dating straddling my leg for about 40 minutes.
